I was planning on making a video and post it up on Youtube today, but I will try to post it on Youtube on Friday. I was in the shower and thinking randomly about my past and how it feels like no one knows me.
Please take the time to read this, chances are something would relate to you. It is detailed and may strike emotions, but this is what I went through the past 21 years of my life and still struggling. It feels like no one knows me, including my parents.
It all started when I started school. I never really fit it. I never really got along with anyone cause I was different. I remember I got into a fight with another girl, it wasn’t my fault. I can’t remember much from my early school years. In grade 5, I had 5 good friends. This was the first friends I had since my friend in Grade 1 in Ontario (was only there for about 3 weeks). Still I was bullied. The “Popular” kids once turned my own friends against me and the one friend within our group wanted to still hang out with me, but the others kept pulling her away and told her to ignore me. That lasted a couple days. I got hit in the head with an ice ball by one guy in my class, I got knocked out cold. I had to take the day off and he got suspended for only a couple days, and had to apologize. I still have that scar.
In grade 6, I had to transfer schools. I was completely isolated. I usually kept to myself, but that didn’t stop people from promising to be my friend just to use me to do stupid stuff. This has always stuck with me, I was reading in my desk and something happened that I don’t even know what happened. The teacher walked in and asked what happened, all fingers pointed to me and the teacher made me go outside the class. I told her that I didn’t do it, but she made me stand in the corner. I told her again that I didn’t do it and I didn’t even know what happened and she actually told me to ‘shut up’. So I was even bullied by the teacher. I believe that she actually hated me. That year, was the lowest grades I have ever gotten.
In Junior High, things got a little better. I made a couple friends in Grade 7 that we remained friends til the 11th grade (transferred last year of high school). Every day on the bus, I was tormented by the ‘cool’ people. They would take my hat and throw it around and make me chase it, they would give we wedgies, mock me etc. I would be afraid to get on the bus. One time, one of the guys even tried to kiss me, and started to unzip his pants in front of me. Someone then pushed him in on top of me.
Not only that, my mom left while I was in Junior High. She regrets not taking us, but the only way to keep us in our house was to leave us with our father (It was the first place that we settled into; I had moved about 15 times til about I settled in with my mom in high school.)
During that time, I had to take care of everything. My father would only cook frozen pizza’s or get take out. So I was about 12 or 13, and I was washing everyone’s clothes, got my sister up every morning for school, wash dishes, cook food, grocery shop, clean the house, on top of all of my studies. My father turned me and my sister against our mom. It would be months before we would see her. Once he started working late nights, we would call up our mom and go with her. *Note: My sister is only 16 months younger than me.*
There were plenty of fights between my mom’s family and my father. Once memory that I have, is that I was going up to see my mom’s family, my nan and pop and my aunts, uncles and cousins. Apparently my dad didn’t want mom to see us. She was hiding in the room and nan said there was a surprise for us. We cried. They gave us each a bunny, in which I still have Mr. Bun Bun. That night there was big fight between pop and our dad.
In high school, I was also bullied. One time these girls gave me a letter saying that my friend was a mutant, that I was an Avril knock off and that I didn’t belong there. It was signed “Friendly neighbourhood Spiderman” At the age of 15, I was crying myself to sleep most night, I would have panic attacks and I would cut myself. I self diagnosed myself depression. The hardest thing was telling my mom and my step dad. The last year of high school I had to switch schools because my step sister came to live with us full time.
I made a couple friends, but I was isolated. I did not fit. I had also come from a rival school and they were not very friendly towards each other. I ended up with my first boyfriend. A couple months after we started going out, he told me that the first month that we were going out he was arranging to get back with his ex girlfriend because he thought we would not work out. He was after me for 5 months to have sex with him, so I finally gave in. My first time was under a bridge (I regret that everyday of my life). I was only 17. During that time, he didn’t want me to hang out with friends (he was insanely Jealous, he said that I couldn’t have male friends; in which I had before we even started going out; and that girls were worse than guys). I had texts sent to my phone from some random guy sexually harassing me. I didn’t want my boyfriend at the time, to take care of it. He was fighting me for my phone even though I told him no, many times. He kept fighting me and at one time he had grabbed me around the throat. Another time, he grabbed my wrist. He made me his life with no life of my own, so I ended mentally twisted by the time we broke up. On top of everything, I had to make a complaint about my partner from clothing and textiles. He told me one day that he wanted to pin me on the ping pong table we had in the cafeteria, and fuck me; that he would like it and that I would like it. I was so uncomfortable.
Me and my boyfriend broke up a couple days before I started university. I was totally messed. I was friends with one of the guys he hated, and he told me that I was a no good slut. I tried to talk to my friend my he said it was too much and left. I was alone. I tried joining a board game club, but that ended in disaster. I was 17 at the time, and one guy that attended the board game club was about 32. We talked and everything cause I just wanted to fit in and I really enjoyed the board games. He took me away to talk. We got into the elevator. He pushed me up against the wall and kissed me. He then tried to get me to go somewhere else, once we got to that floor. I refused. We went back down to the others and I just left it like that (Today, I can’t be around guys by myself. I get really uncomfortable and nervous, especially when I am along in an elevator alone with a random guy). That night I met this guy, who was cute and nice. We flirted all night and exchanged numbers. He told me he loved me. It wasn’t so. He used me as a booty call and emotionally took me for a ride. Once he told me that he would make it for my birthday, and that he was running late. I stayed up until I fell asleep on the couch. I heard from him about a month later in which I broke up with him. I was alone.
I made a friend about a month later. He was from Lebanon. We became decent friends and one night when I was really upset, we petted a little bit once he came over. It happened about one more time. Then after that, I was forced to give him oral, hand jobs etc. I would always tell him no, he would say he would stop but that didn’t happen. He called me a slut, that all Canadian girls were sluts and that we liked doing that stuff. He had no respect for women at all. I soon flipped out at him and that was the end of our friendship. I made friends with his roommate who stung me along on a string and constantly lied to me for the whole year we were friends. That friendship ended. During that time I was dating a friend from high school. He wanted me to become his girl friend so I did. I lived in town at that time and I went home every weekend to every couple weekends. It would be days or even over a week at a time before I would hear anything from him. I would have really have loved for him to talk to me every now and then. After about a month or so, he kept telling me that he thought he was falling in love with me. I would catch the bus to meet him at school and go to the mall with him to connect to another bus. But once I wasn’t able to get home for the weekend or he didn’t talk to me, then he said that the relationship was becoming problematic and hard. He didn’t want to deal with the long distance relationship. Even though he was in town every day for school and I was home every second weekend.
During that time, I made a friend at work. We hung out. We talked and he seemed really nice. Everyone at work said he was no good and that he was just wasting my time and playing me, but I felt differently because I knew he outside of work and he didn’t seem like that type of guy. After a while, he started going out with someone from work and it just got so messy. In the long run, my coworkers was right. He was just using me. He didn’t care. He wasn’t my friend. I was a friend to him but he wasn’t one back. Even to this day he owes me about $200. This was about 2 years ago.
I was really depressed at the time. I ended up cutting myself again and hit rock bottom. Around that time, I went on a ‘date’ with another guy at work (This was around April or 2010). At that time I didn’t think we would ever go out. Guess what? We became friends. He came to my birthday party in October, and he quit work in November. I ended missing him at work. We kept in touch now and then, and for four months we kept saying that we need to grab coffee and catch up. So in March of last year, we finally did. What was only going to be an hour, took four and I ended up missing two classes. I could not stop talking about him to my friend at work (in which we are still friends now, even though he lives in Halifax now), so he told me to ask him out one night. After fighting him, I finally did; and he said yes. Now Guess What? That was a over a year ago, and we are still together. We were living together the past 6 months and we are planning a life together for the future. He is even been as great as encouraging me in the hard time of having to go on sick leave from work because of my knee injury. I could not have asked for anyone better.
There are some stories that I did not include here. But they are other stories similar to what happened in these. I may only be 21, but I lived through a lot. Some people may not even been through this much and are older than me. I have more knowledge and experience that people don’t know I possess. My boyfriend and I have been through so much together in one year than a lot of people have in a few years. He is helping me through my depression, in which right now I am getting treated for, he is helping me through this really hard patch in my life right now with the knee injury. I come to love him so much. He is my everything. He takes care of me and encourages me and helps me the best he can, and I can’t ask for more from him.
I made a lot of mistakes in my life. It is evident in this blog. I just really needed to get it all out. I hope this does make me feel better and I hope it gives some strength and encouragement to others. I still struggle everyday with loneliness and isolation. Feelings of doubt and worthlessness. Sometimes it just takes the kind words or actions of just one person to help you give the strength you need.
For our one year, my boyfriend gave me a ring that has the word strength written on it. He told me he picked it because I give him strength everyday to do what he needs to and not to give up. He does the same thing for me too. The ring came into a new meaning last week, when I found out about work, the strength to not give up and to come out of this section of our life with hopefully better jobs, but mostly, because we will get through this; and get through it together.
If you or someone you love is experiencing depression or other mental health issues please call the mental health line (16 years and over):
613-722-6914 (within Ottawa)
1-866-996-0991 (Outside Ottawa)
If you are being bullied or experiencing depression please call the Kids Help Phone:
Also, for advice, confidentiality, or someone to talk to , feel free to email me as well;